The official story is one of a modest laser device, used to blast tiny holes in rocks, and analyze the resulting dust and debris with a spectrometer.  This, according to the briefs, will allow scientists to determine the chemical structure of the rocks.  NASA/JPL just released a picture of their first test firing.

From the looks of the images, you’d think “no big deal. A little tiny hole in a rock.”  The truth, however, is much more sinister.

We all know the government never tells you the complete story about these things.  Remember when spy satellites were all the “top-secret” rage, and they “could read the license plate number on your car”?  Of course, the capabilities were far more than was admitted.  The same thing applies to Curiosity.

A nuclear reactor?  To power a golf cart and a laser pointer? Not bloody likely…

“This sucker is nuclear!”, and it’s not a time machine.  That points to only one conclusion:  the laser is actually a weapon!

After careful research, and several clandestine forays into the depths of JPL’s secret labs, and strategic penetrations of “secure” computers, a confidential informant has forwarded to JimmieJoe the true nature of Curiosity and it’s mission.

In October 1938, radio broadcasts about a Martian invasion of New Jersey sent the nation into a panic.  In an attempt to cover up the invasion, and the subsequent success of germ warfare used against the invaders from Mars, a cover story was created.  Orson Wells was coerced into agreeing to go public with an announcement that the radio broadcasts were actually a Halloween prank, supposedly based on a little known (at the time) 1898 story by H.G. Wells.  Evidence of the invasion was covered up or destroyed, witnesses silenced, and records expunged.  The government used all it’s resources to convince the public that it was simply a radio drama that got a bit out of control.  The public was lulled into complacency.  Behind the scenes, however, the military was in a panic.  Until the use of germ warfare, the Martians seemed impervious to attack.  This near-complete failure of the military to resist an invasion from outer space has been the secret impetus behind the formation of the United Nations, the basis of the space race, and the real reason we’ve spent billions of dollars on sending probes to Mars.

Recently, another invasion from Mars was just barely repelled.  Despite the near-total destruction of Las Vegas (and it’s subsequent rapid rebuilding), this invasion was also suppressed.  In a case of manufactured “plausible deniability”, a movie was quickly filmed to serve as source debunking for the true story.

In the latest invasion, the Martians had learned how to deal with the germ weapons that defeated them in 1938.  It was only a fortuitous accident that the real means of defeating them was discovered.  Our research has been unable to determine what it was that destroyed the invading Martians, as we don’t believe the movie story line of some really weird music being the key to victory.

So now it becomes clear.  Curiosity is armed for self defense.  We’ve finally sent a large reconnaissance device into the heart of the enemy territory, and it has to be able to defend itself!  The earlier probes were small and probably dismissed by the Martians as nothing more than toys.  (Martians do have one serious weakness:  they think they’re smarter than we are.  We’re using that arrogance against them.)  And to be fair, they were designed to lull the Martians into a false sense of security.  Three little rovers don’t look all that threatening.  NASA/JPL/CIA/NSA/UN all expected the enemy to seriously underestimate our capabilities.

Public images of Curiosity will show the tiny laser, blasting tiny holes in tiny rocks.  Carefully edited pictures will display a desert, with nary a sign of the true mission, available to the public.  But should the Martians try and attack the Curiosity, they’re in for a big surprise.  Like the Death Star that appeared to be incapable of warding off an errant asteroid, let alone be a threat to anyone, the rover holds in reserve a laser that can ramp up to phaser-like capabilities.  Any attack will result in the laser being charged to full power, and…  ZAP!  One (or more, however many there are) less Martian.

Well, there you have it.  The truth is out there.  JimmieJoe’s secret source is back at work, deliberately and carefully sorting through electronic trails to discover things the government doesn’t want you to know.  When we hear from him again, I hope to have the real story behind Area 51.  Even I don’t believe the “disinformation” of alien spaceships and bodies.  The truth is likely much more incredible.

Don’t blink.  Blink and you’re dead.

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